Re-Write Just Another Mom Blog

I wrote this blog over a year ago.   As I continue to grab life and chase after my reason for being. As I continue to believe in my bright future.  As my life slowly or in some cases rather rapidly changes into something even more wonderful… I am reminded that this ending season of my life is a special part of my story.  It can be a light and encouragement to some and a revelation and call to step up to others.

This is my story written over a year ago…

My Facebook keeps blowing up.  There are blogs about moms in their 30’s, stay at home moms, working moms, moms doing this, moms doing that, and moms who just need a break and are trying to explain this to their husbands. There are so many types of moms who are  all in different arenas of life.

It’s my turn.  I am in a category that is narrow.  I cannot think of anyone that I know who has been in my shoes, without hurting m brain too much. I know they are there.   I am not alone, but I don’t fit in with all these other mom blogs. It’s wonderful that everyone is encouraging each other, but then there is me. The one who never fits quite perfectly into any of the scenarios I read and I’m sure there are others who feel this way.

Here is our story.

I am a mother.  A full time mother.  100% of the time.  A single mother who has no sharing of the parental responsibilities ever.  A dragon wrangler of not one or two, but three and wait…four!

“You chose to have them.”  Yes I chose to have them.

Yes I love every single one of them to their itsy bitsy core.  Yes, did I not say that I choose to have them?

Yes this has been said to me multiple times by multiple people.  Reminding me that I am solely responsible for their lives, for their health, behavior, sleep or lack of it, education, morals, present beings and who they are shaped into for the future.  I knew what I was doing when they were created. I chose to join in the process to make them, to have them.

Now might I add that I did not choose to have them alone.  I did not choose to do this thing called life with four minions, who are at the moment seven and under, by myself.

So when you are visiting my house and find me with one clinging to my body like a monkey, one screaming because I chose the wrong cup, one burning the toast, and one yelling to have their bottom wiped… and you get annoyed at the chaos and say, “you chose to have them,” remember that I am fully aware of where these little people came from.  Maybe have a little mercy and go wipe a bottom for me or save the house from burning down.

When you see that mom in the store who looks like she has it all together.  The makeup on, the necklace on, the kids semi-decent and she looses her cool a little more than what’s cool.  Maybe you should keep that judging stink eye and think “hmm…maybe she has been constantly around these kids for the past 712 days and quite possibly that is a little wearing.”

Or you might see that same mom in the store who suddenly looks like the dragons got the better of her.  The pants that don’t fit right, the hair a frazzled mess, the mascara smudged from the tears that were shed earlier in the van, the toes with messy chipped nail polish, the shirt covered in boogers and oatmeal or was that oatmeal and boogers?  The mom whos children have rats nests and long overdue hair cuts, who have mismatched shoes, whos clothes are plaid, zebra print and polka dot concoctions and who are singing at the top of their lungs.  Maybe those same kids are climbing in the freezers, touching all the fruit, dropping the watermelon and running down the aisles while that momma is growing misty eyed and defeated.  Maybe that judging stink eye, that old man that sighs so rudely as she unpacks her cart while protecting the wall of candy from screaming prying hands and licking tongues, while refereeing the slapping angry loud children, and stopping the last child from pressing the oh so fun button that makes all the food come right over the edge of the counter of the bagging area and onto the floor, while convincing that same child that cantaloupes do not go in the bag with the eggs.

Maybe that old man or evil eye might think…”maybe she is going home to an empty house with these same children.  Maybe she is going home to be locked in a house all night with these never ending, energy sapping creatures. That your face may be the last face she sees all night that isn’t seven and under.”

Maybe that judging eye or sigh can be turned to a smile and bring a little light to her day instead of draining her more emotionally with the pressure of not being perfect, of annoying yet another person, of reminding her that she is alone in this venture.

This type of mom does not get a “break”.  She does not get a moment of solitude.  She does not have a teammate to take a load off of her shoulders.  She does not have the gift of going to the grocery store alone, having a “mom day” or even hour. She does not have someone coming home to do the dishes, to bathe the babies, to read endless stories, to receive an encouraging hug, to fix the broken light, to protect them, to plan with, to vacation with, to take her out, to listen to her as she releases all the stress of her day through a million words a minute.  It is not easy for her to have a hobby, it is not easy for her to pursue her passions, to take time for herself.  She has no time, this life she has is solely hers and the high ups and deep downs are not shared with anyone else but her tear stained pillow.

Yes we are incredibly thankful for any help we receive.  When someone takes a child or two it is fabulous.  But it is never four.  Four is too daunting for anyone.  “They are your children. You chose four.  You never figured out what makes them.”  We know what makes children. We are fully aware that we have four every day of our lives as we have at least one face always in our view.  90% of every day is filled with them.

Even sleep.  It is as rare as a dragon to have a full night alone in my own bed.  When the coveted alone time happens it is consumed with everything that a teammate is made for.  Providing, repairing, maintaining.  The house, the tub drain…what drain?  The budget, the car repairs…how is that going to be paid for? I wish I knew how to change my own oil.  The activities, the garbage needs to go out, the light bulb has been out for months, the kids need new clothes, the cooking…what? I have to feed them more than KD and cereal?  The doctor…my child is sick, we all must go to the doctor. They need surgery, the ER?  Jesus help us.  It’s not just mothering that you are doing alone, it’s living. Therefore there is hardly ever a moment of emotional freedom.  Freedom to enjoy just me.  To remember my passions, my purpose.  My purpose beyond these four.

But there is purpose beyond these four.  There are moments this mom just has to let go.  The kitchen is covered in watermelon, the couch is covered in chips, the grapes are still out, the boy has fallen asleep on the couch…2 hours before bedtime and it’s 2 hours past the other ones bedtime…but I’ve taken a moment for me.  To write because that is part of me and part of my purpose. This is not a pity party, this is not a “whoa is me”.  This is my life and I will live it, whatever is thrown at me and I will conquer it because I refuse to live a dull quiet life. We were made to live life and depressed, defeated and letting everything get you down is not living.  I truly enjoy this stage of my life and try to embrace every moment of it because I know it will not last forever.

To the single full time mom wherever you are and whoever you are. Whether you live with your parents like me, with a friend or by yourself,  I hear you and I understand.  It’s hard.  It’s lonely even when we aren’t totally alone.  Some days you feel defeated, like crumby crap, like you want to quit.  But at the same time it’s thrilling and exciting and oh so fulfilling and empowering!

We can do the hardest job on the planet all by ourselves!  You my friend have got this and you are doing a fabulous job.  Whether you continue your whole motherhood career alone or whether you find your teammate one day, today you are doing great!   You have a purpose outside the mass chaos, the tears, the endless stress, the loneliness, the emotional draining of each and every day.  You have purpose when this task is done and you have purpose in this moment.

Take a moment.  Take a moment while that little one is curled around your face sleeping.  Take a moment while your child screams outside the locked bathroom door.  Take a moment while your children fight in the back of the car. Take a moment in the shower as little faces peek in.  Talk to yourself.  Encourage yourself and remind yourself of what you love outside those faces and that you are loved just as you are and where you are. Find your purpose, you are worth it.

That is Love

He won’t let you down.

Houses may seem to not come together.  Relationships may seem to fall apart.  Children may see to be out of control.  Health may seem to be off the tracks.  The world around you may seem to be going every direction that isn’t the right direction.  Your life may seem scattered, incomplete or chaotic, but just because the world we live in and the life we sit with is chaotic doesn’t mean that God is so shocked at the circumstances we find ourselves in that He freezes from that shock.  It doesn’t mean He is off His rocker or throne.

Life around you doesn’t scare Him. Your circumstances don’t overwhelm Him.  The situations you find yourself trudging through don’t faze Him.  The life you are living isn’t something that He must shield His eyes from.  It isn’t something He’s ashamed to see.  It isn’t too much.  He isn’t too good for it.

He sees where you are.  He sees the things being thrown your way and He wades right in there with you.  He grabs your hand and says “Let’s do this together.”

God, the King of the universe, isn’t too big or too good to step down, get dirty and come right to where you are and walk beside you.  He wants you to allow Him to be right beside you.  He wants to step down beside you amidst the swirling storms of life and stand with you.

That is Love.  That is God.

A Series of Fortunate Events


Someone told me the other day that in the wake of a divorce or loss of a marriage God’s will for us is to love again.  When something so wonderful is taken away from us (sometimes by our choice and other times no so much our choice) God wants us to love again, have joy, be loved, have a spouse.  This was so encouraging to hear.  His plans are good.  He doesn’t want us to lose something so wonderful and then not have it restored.  He wants restoration for our lives.  Obviously if that’s not what we want then He isn’t going to force it on us, but for those of us that desire to have what was taken away restored, then He takes pleasure in doing this.   This was encouraging to hear and I am totally excited to one day write the story of how God is restoring everything that was ripped away or destroyed.  Let me tell you people…God is doing ahhhmazing things in my life and it is so exciting!

Let me give you a  little glimpse of His goodness, not necessarily restoration but just glimpses of His never leaving presence and His love for me.   It’s nothing overly extravagant like winning the lottery but it’s still exciting!

But first let me draw a glimpse of my life.  Being a single mother of four trolls is difficult.  I get the privilege of not just raising them, tucking them in every single night,  forming who they become, encouraging and cheering them on, helping them pursue their passions, but also the physical aspects of cleaning, grooming, planning, and providing.  Every pressure that a mother and father usually work together to face is all on me.

I believe in being faithful with the little and God will bless me with much.  With this in mind I strive to be diligent in my financial area and trust God with the rest.  The clothes of ever growing and always playing children, the roof over our heads, the utilities, furniture, constantly disappearing food, extracurricular activities, transportation, gas, vehicle maintenance, medicines, diapers and  toiletries, cleaning supplies, fun outings, toys, birthday parties for my trolls and ones they are invited to, and every holiday.  As well as savings so I am prepared for the future when the transmission actually fails, when our term in this house is up in a few months, when my child needs braces …it’s all on one person, me.

Thankfully I know who I am and whose I am and I can truthfully say it doesn’t stress me out.  Because it might be on me, but I am God’s.   It just makes it tight and doesn’t leave much room for many mommy’s things as these little people are number one and just because their lives were turned upside down doesn’t mean they have to suffer.  I refuse to let that happen.

Having said all this let me tell you the series of fortunate events that is occurring in my life and God is continuing it!

A few weeks ago I was just telling God how my comforter was getting a wee bit gross.  A few days later someone gave me a bedding set.  It just happened to be one of my favorite colors and practically brand new.  Whoa God!

That same week someone paid for our groceries.

I received some funds that I totally wasn’t excepting due to certain circumstances.

The other day I gave a friend an extra car seat I had.  I was  just planning on blessing them with it aka freely giving it to them.  They put cash in the mailbox.   Yay! I was definitely thankful for it.

Last week I was offered a small part time job doing the thing I love to do the most.  Last night was my first night!  Woo now that makes me jump up and down for real!

And the icing on the cake…I just found out that the kids Christmas is taken care of!  I no longer have to think about how I’m going to make it happen…that was the one thing that dwelled the most in my mind in regards to finances lately.  Now I don’t even have to think about it.   Isn’t that amazing?!

And now I’m about to get ready to go to a store because… if I can find one that fits…someone is giving me a brand new winter coat for free!   Ha!  It just keeps coming.

Know what the cool thing is?  The God that arranged all these hearts to bless me and my children…loves you just as much!  That is amazing!  His resources are endless and His love is limitless.

You are so so loved.

Bums!

A Wake of Joy

Yesterday I had the privilege of bring my 6 year old to the dentist.  That part was not fun.  I felt like that terrible parent sitting there giggling while she tries to speak in muffled noises and the look of sadness was just too cute as she sat all puffy cheeked and waited for the dentist to return.

After the ordeal the real privilege was going to Walmart with her.  This was the child that when she was smaller would walk into the mall in a full blown princess outfit with tiara and wand included.  She was the one that would attempt to lift a case of water into the cart and roar and yell “I’m strong!” while showing off her tiny muscles.  The little girl that, just two years ago, I thoroughly enjoyed doing my errands with because she brought so much joy every where she went.

Yesterday I was reminded of her contagious joy as the people around her started to smile.  She blazes a trail of smiles in her path and it makes me so happy that I get to be this little trail blazers mom.

She sat in the bottom part of the shopping cart – the kind that only has a couple inches of wall on the basket to contain your groceries.  We were in the fruit and veggies section.  I would park her and go grab what I needed.  I had left the cart at the end of the aisle and went down it to grab some nectarines.  When I looked up I saw my cart, in which you couldn’t see the child in it, scooting down the aisle all by itself.  All I could hear was “Choo choo! ” and loud obnoxious Addy laughs.  She was using her arms to pull her self along and was making some good distance.  Every once in a while she would crash into the produce bag stands and would say “oops!”, skoot around it and continue on her way.  Here she left a wake of smiles and laughs behind her.

She is the kind of kid that doesn’t really stop talking.  Singing pat a cake, laughing, random Jesus songs that come into her head. She talks non-stop while waiting in line to pay, causing the cashier to give us evil eyes because of her noise.  They will get over it because she then talks to the cashier while we check out telling them every random fact of her day.  Such as “I went to the dentist.  We are going to get a milkshake.  I floss.”  Which causes their day to be brightened.

She is the kid that yells, “Whoa!” while the cart tries to roll away in the parking lot. As well as “Wee!!” as her and I “run” in the parking lot because it’s fun to do with the cart.  She is the kid that is excited to be a big kid and return the cart by herself.  After looking about 8 times both ways to return to the van she takes her dear old time skipping away with her big cheesy I love life grin.

I am so thankful that this kid is mine.  I am so thankful that I got this reminder yesterday when it was just me and her that life is made for enjoying.

Even as it takes me hours to write this because of interruptions.  Even as I just witnessed my son spill the last of the chocolate milk on the floor as he was attempting to bring his baby sisters artwork that consists of glue…lots of white glue… outside to dry.  Even as he decides to save the chocolate milk and suck it all up off the floor.  Even as I attempt to step over his little, face to the floor, body and I land directly in said artwork causing my left foot to be entirely covered in glue.  There is nothing to do but laugh.  I choose to laugh.  Getting angry is not worth it, it won’t fix anything, but laughing will remove the frustration and bring joy in instead.  Why damage my kids when it is all accidents?  Even when my son immediately after breaks a glass.  The roll of events in today is hilarious and truly brings a smile to my face because no one could have planned this.

Life is all an opportunity to choose joy.  Yes there are moments to mourn, be sad, or even angry sometimes, but most often those aren’t necessary and we instead can choose joy.  We are made to bring light, joy is light.  Even when life seems to be a wee bit cray cray, the way we perceive life, our attitude is totally up to us to choose.  I chose joy.


Skip and laugh and jump in the puddles with your trolls…it is fun.

 

 

Holding the Pieces Together

First off I’m so thankful that we have the opportunity to attend this new private school.  The people are all so friendly.  Parent’s and kids just walk up to you and introduce themselves and welcome you to the school.  Classes are designed to keep your kids moving, focused, and best of all fun.  Field trips are already scheduled for this month, special activities prepared.  The 6 year old, built like a rock, of mine who’s body is opposite her ballerina sister’s body has signed up for track and field.  I couldn’t be prouder.  Running laps during recess with the “big kids” instead of the little people requirements.   Mommy is allowed in the school whenever she wants.  People know our names and aren’t afraid to talk to us newbies.

The kids love school and I am so thankful for it.  But having said that, with smaller class sizes the first week of school we came home with two birthday party invitations already.  Two in one week.  Phew!  Talk about stretching the schedule and the budget since saying no is not an option at this point in our lives.  Building relationships and growing roots is our goal at this moment in time therefore saying no to social engagements is not an option.   I will be thankful for these opportunities and thankful that all the financial and schedule strains are taken care of by the One who is greater.  Yay for 4 children!

Last night my third grader went to a birthday party.  It was “the best day of her life.”  I dropped her off and papa and grandma were going to pick her up.

I had just got everyone else to sleep and sat down on the couch when my dad walked in.  My dad is the calm, cool, chill, let everything slide right off of him kind of guy.  He walked in alone and said, “Jessi I need to speak to you.”

I could cut through the tension in the air with a knife.

Basically, Parker was rude and disrespectful to him and embarrassed the beans out of him when he went to pick her up.  She made faces, said “I don’t want you,” and ran off in front of everyone.

And now it was time for me to clean up the pieces.

I got her bawling little self from the car and brought her up to bed.  Then came the moment when you know she has lost all control, when there is nothing you can do for her.  When all you can do is sit there with her.  The screams.  The flailing on the bed.

I will sit there as she processes, but I will not sit there when the yells turn to me. Multiple times I would have to walk away and close the bedroom door and silently pray outside her door as the tears slid down my face.   A few times I had to firmly tell her that it was unacceptable to yell at her momma or slam the door on me.

The calmer moments I lay beside her and listened as the eight year old cry about not wanting to be here on this earth, about no one loving her, about papa hating her.   As she threw the pillow on her head muffling her screams.

At one point I sat there silently praying, relying on the Greater One on the inside of me to guide me.  I grabbed my phone and looked up No Sweeter Name by Kari Jobe.

This played for a couple minutes, but she still wasn’t calming down.  Then she requested a music video done by someone special from our past, who invested so much into our lives and we are so thankful for.  The one who introduced me to peanut butter and syrup on waffles…which is “stupidly good” as my friend says.

We watched Heavenish Dream by Heidi Rickard and the tears continued to stream down the face, but the screams and sobs subsided as the calmness and peace of God swept over us.

I was finally able to continue our bedtime routine, read her story and kissed her goodnight and reminded her just how loved she is.

It was not the time to discuss the originating problem.  It was not the time to correct.  I can’t fix everything.  It’s not always time for me to try to fix everything.  Sometimes, just as I need, I just need to be there for her.  As she processes root issues that originate from a once broken child.  Sometimes it’s ok for me to just be there.  It doesn’t make me a bad mother, it doesn’t make me irresponsible or not in control…it makes me the best mother for her because I am led by the One who knows best.   Last night, as emotions raged out of control.  I was there for my daughter.

It hurt.  It made me sad.  It broke my heart.  It was exhausting emotionally and physically.  It is one of the hardest things I have to deal with in my life.  But it is my reality and I am chosen to be her mother and equipped with everything necessary to guide her and the strength to get us both through.

And the light at the end of the tunnel is that I am no longer alone in this healing process and the blood curdling screams do not scare my gentle giant away.  That there is someone now “just there” for me who just happened to be visiting at this moment.  There is someone that can just look in my eyes and know I am hurting without even having to ask.  There is someone who when it is all said and done, when my battle for the day is done – has my back.  Reminds me that the things she says are caused by a hurting child dealing with the reality of divorce.  Someone who is bold enough to take the lead and pray.  To come in agreement that strife and anger and every gross thing is not allowed in my family and house.  That I don’t have to finish the struggle with the child then go to God alone, he is right there walking up to God with me and taking the lead.  It is so refreshing.  It is so refreshing to not be doing life completely alone anymore.

Whether you have to pick up the pieces all on your own like I have for the past three years or if you are with a teammate.   Whether you are dealing with tantrums from a broken child or just tantrums in general or not at all.  You are an amazing parent.  You are equipped to deal with whatever comes your way.  You are chosen to be their parent and it’s ok.  It’s ok to sit outside their door and cry just as hard as them.  It’s ok to feel hurt or broken yourself.  It’s ok to not have all the answers.  It’s ok to just be.  You are loved and you are accepted just the way you are.

Today I continue to clean up the pieces of an overly emotional girl it is going to be a good day!

Hurting children is a real thing. It’s not all just plain old naughty-ness…but I serve a big God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Aroma

It is slightly difficult to regularly blog when your awesome sauce computer decides to go to computer heaven.   For that I apologize.

Life lately is wonderful and my future is bright and I actually see it now, not just believing without actually seeing.  I can see it now.

The other day in church Pastor was talking about how our worship is like a sweet fragrance to God.  I was like “hm God must smell me a lot” as majority of the time I am singing or humming something to Him.  Be it the actual words to a song or Jessi’s version because I don’t actually know the correct words but that doesn’t stop me because I just want to be with Him.

I didn’t quite understand what she meant by my worship being a sweet fragrance to God.  Or how back in the day the priest in the temple or the sacrifice on the altar was a sweet fragrance to God.  I was more like, “ew the scent of blood… what the beans God?”

But then I met a man.  Yes it’s about to get extremely cheesy so get your crackers ready.

All humans have a specific scent.  This man has one too.  (Insert cheesy lovey face). And the more time I spend sitting beside him on the couch or the more time we spend face to face and eye to eye developing our relationship and having intimacy in a godly manner the more his scent becomes apparent.

And as we say goodnight his scent lingers on me.  It has an intoxicating effect, it is like happy gas, emitting calmness and peace and rest.  It has brought some of the easiest most peaceful sleep I have had in over four years, if not a longer time.  All because of a scent.

And then the light comes.  If his fragrance is like that to me, that must be a glimpse of our fragrance when we worship and become intimate with God.  Our intimacy through worship with God brings our sweet fragrance to God and He, like I, loves it.

It’s not just watching TV together or being in the same room.  It’s about being face to face, eye to eye, intimate with the important person in your life.  It’s not just singing a song to God.  It’s about being face to face and eye to eye with Him.  Being intimate with Him, spending for real time with Him and that worship is the sweet aroma to Him.

My .com friends…

My.ca friends…

2 Cor. 2:15a  “Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God.”

 

 

Back to School.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… I never understood that song until this year.  Normally my heart would be so sad right now as I went through the day short a few minions.

I enjoy summer.  I enjoy spending time with them.  For some reason this summer they drove me a little nuttier than normal.  Maybe they fought more, had more bored moments, more “What were you thinking?!” …who knows.  But I was slightly happy when it was time for momma to get a break today.

Except for the moment the grade one cutie says to me as we wait at the new school for the bell to ring, “Mom I can just go to school next year” and tries to pull me to the van.  Realizing it’s not quite as exciting standing there facing the new adventure in the face.  Except for that moment, I was relieved and thankful for the break.

And time seemed to fly by.  One hour left until chaos reigns.  Although the two dragons still at home are causing quite the chaos all on their own.  Screams, wrestling and ripping up their Mcdonalds books all over the living room.  Oy.   But their giggles make it all ok.

I have to say it was wonderful to go to prayer this morning and not wrangle 4 people.  It was wonderful to go shopping and not have to be saying, “Get back here, stay with momma, don’t touch that, don’t poke your sister, keep your hands to yourself, ” half as much.  Its funny that the oldest child is the worst shopper.

Squirrel!

No squirrel moments.  Just free cookie distractions and small enough bodies to sit trapped in the cart.

Here’s to quieter shopping trips, crazier mornings, after school activities, and the world of routine again.

Tomorrow as little man goes to his first day of school ever I will most likely not be singing that same song.  It will probably be some kind of song that involves a whole box of tissues.

High five to you parents that are partying and to those who are crying.

.ca shoppers

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.com shoppers

 

 

Wild Ride

Life has taken a crazy turn of events.  I had grown accustomed to the very possible reality that  my future was more than likely going to just entail me and four children rocking out this life.   Yes I clung to the 1% of hope, but was preparing for the reality I was currently living.

But as I cried out to God a while ago, “Thank you for loving me, show me your extravagant love,”  He poured out His love in a way that I didn’t see coming.

God is faithful, gentle, kind, soft, yet strong, a gentleman, honest and honorable, giving, and is an extravagant lover willing to do anything for me to show me that I am loved, precious, treasured and of value.

Exactly one month ago today my mind was overwhelmed and boggled that someone of the male origins would purposefully chose to get to know me.  This lady, whose whole life is currently invested full time in four little dragons.   Who in their right mind would be willing to look over that fact and see me?  Who would want to get to know me, for me, outside of motherhood?

Mind blowing.  4 is a big number, 4 would be considered a scary number.  But when a man who’s eyes are focused on God first anything is possible and 4 becomes possible.

When a man who’s eyes are focused on God, those same character traits that God has become the character traits of that man.  For that I am so thankful.

God poured His extravagant love out on me, “You are valuable, precious, loved.”  Whether we know each other for a short amount of time, or forever I am so thankful for this man who continuously shows me what a gentleman is like and who is God’s love on earth poured out on me.   Sappy I know.  But it’s truth.

Wild to think that this adventure started a whole month ago.  If God can work in my life in such a cray cray way, God can in yours.  Cling to that hope, however small it is.

.com shoppers

.ca shoppers

It’s All So Strange

It is such a strange feeling to have someone else take pictures of the kids.   Papa will sometimes take pictures of the kids, but that’s mostly been my domain.

What is even stranger is to have someone take pics of me.  My aunt took a random pic of me a few weeks ago, but other than that no one has deemed my presence necessary in a photo for a very long time.

It is all so strange.

It is strange to have random texts of “how are you”, “good morning”, or “good night.”  It is strange for someone to change their plans to hang out with me, or to stay up late just to have a phone call with this single mom whose only child-free time is quite late.

It is strange to not just be of value, but feel of value to someone.

I spend my life giving.  My goal in life is to ensure that everyone I encounter feels loved, as that’s the way God feels about everyone,  I’m human.  I fail at times, but even when I fail it’s still my goal,

Knowing this loving God, I asked Him a few weeks ago to show me His extravagant love.  The simple things such as taking my picture and the little things that suddenly are making me feel of value are just a little show of His love toward me.  I’m excited as He continues to reveal His love toward me.  He is the most extravagant Lover of all times.

Eyes on the prize and eyes on the Creator.

.ca shopping!

.com shopping!

Broken to Life

“Oh I can see You now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
Raising up the broken to life” – Amazing Grace by Hillsong

Ever been in such a dark place that you weren’t sure how you would escape?

Ever come to a place in your life that you were nearly certain this was as good as it was going to get?

When my husband left me almost precisely 3 years ago my world as I knew it shattered,  All hopes and dreams and the future I dreamed of vanished in an instant.  Feelings I never knew existed came rushing in.   Pain that I never thought imaginable threw itself at my heart.  Darkness seeped around me and I wasn’t certain that I would escape it.  I wasn’t certain the world would ever right itself.  I wasn’t certain I would be able to function properly ever again.

Feelings of loneliness, failure, unworthiness, hatred, anger, ugliness, self-loathing flooded my mind,  Much too much time was spent staring at walls, crying into pillows, in the shower, and silently while driving,  Motivation was gone, purpose was gone, life was dark,  Depression hit hard and it hit long,

I would go days in darkness believing God that the sun would shine again.  Then a brief moment of light would come and then I would slip right back into the darkness for another swim in the ocean of depression again,

It was a long road, but eventually the light came more and the darkness grew less,  And here I am today, 3 years later, with light shining constantly,  The light lives inside of me, I knew He wouldn’t leave me and it would defeat the darkness,

I learned that just because my husband left me didn’t mean my purpose on earth changed,  I learned that God still loves me,  That it’s ok to let go,

It is ok to let go,  Certain situations require us to let go and God doesn’t hate us if we do.  And if He doesn’t hate us then other people’s opinions on the matter…no longer matter, just His.

I learned that it’s ok to have hope for a second chance and that God is a God of second chances,      That because of someone else’s decisions didn’t mean I was ugly, worthless, useless or unloved.

I was still loved by the most important Lover and He never let go of me.  He raised up my brokenness to life.  I didn’t do it on my own,  I couldn’t do it on my own.  He chooses to never let go.

If you are sitting there in your own darkness, taking life literally moment by moment.  If you deal with the pain with food like I did, if you only feel like sleeping all day, if you just want to curl in a ball and cry all day, if you are unsure that you will ever emerge from the dark ocean, it’s ok,  It’s ok to be where you are,  Don’t hate yourself because you ate too much cake,  Don’t hate yourself because your mind has spent too much time on pluto instead of here on earth,  Don’t hate yourself because it’s ok,  It is ok,

But do remember even when you are in the deepest darkest ocean the sun is still shining somewhere,  Remember that if the sun is still shining somewhere that means there is still some hope remaining,  And as long as there is light and hope you will make it through.

Keep your head up and your eyes focused,  Grieve whatever you have to grieve, let the hurts heal however they have to heal, and keep the faith that the light will shine again in your life,  Moment by moment turns to longer moments by longer moments, which eventually turns to days, then months and eventually the darkness will disappear for both you and me.

I am so thankful that I am now functioning at full capacity again, even better than I was before.  Independent, confident, bold, and not willing to do anything but enjoy life whatever it brings,   It’s a different Jessi than 3 years ago, but a better one if I do say so myself,  There is always room to grow, but God is a restorer and if He can restore my life He can yours,

Light casts out darkness.  There is always always light therefore there is always hope.